By Travis Bradberry
Listening is a bit like intelligence—most everyone thinks they’re above average, even though that’s impossible. And listening is a skill you want to be great at. A recent study conducted at George Washington University showed that listening can influence up to 40% of a leader’s job performance. “The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.” –Alfred Brendel There’s so much talking happening at work that opportunities to listen well abound. We talk to provide feedback, explain instructions, and communicatedeadlines. Beyond the spoken words, there’s invaluable information to be deciphered through tone of voice, body language, and what isn’t said. In other words, failing to keep your ears (and eyes) open could leave you out of the game. Most people believe that their listening skills are where they need to be, even though they aren’t. A study at Wright State University surveyed more than 8,000 people from different verticals, and almost all rated themselves as listening as well as or better than their co-workers. We know intuitively that many of them are wrong. Effective listening is something that can absolutely be learned and mastered. Even if you find attentive listening difficult and, in certain situations, boring or unpleasant, that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You just have to know what to work on. The straightforward strategies that follow will get you there. 1. Focus. The biggest mistake most people make when it comes to listening is they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them that they fail to hear what’s being said. The words come through loud and clear, but the meaning is lost. Focusing may seem like a simple suggestion, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Your thoughts can be incredibly distracting. 2. Put away your phone. It’s impossible to listen well and monitor your phone at the same time. Nothing turns people off like a mid-conversation text message or even a quick glance at your phone. When you commit to a conversation, focus all your energy on the conversation. You will find that conversations are more enjoyable and effective when you immerse yourself in them. 3. Ask good questions. People like to know you’re listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows not only that you are listening but that you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking good questions. In addition to verifying what you’ve heard, you should ask questions that seek more information. Examples of probing questions are “What happened next?” and “Why did he say that?” The key is to make certain that your questions really do add to your understanding of the speaker’s words, rather than deflecting the conversation to a different topic. 4. Practice reflective listening. Psychologist Carl Rogers used the term “reflective listening” to describe the listening strategy of paraphrasing the meaning of what’s being said in order to make certain you’ve interpreted the speaker’s words correctly. By doing this, you give the speaker the opportunity to clarify what she meant to say. When you practice reflective listening, don’t simply repeat the speaker’s words to her. Use your own words to show that you’ve absorbed the information. 5. Use positive body language. Becoming cognizant of your gestures, expressions, and tone of voice (and making certain they’re positive) will draw people to you like ants to a picnic. Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards the speaker are all forms of positive body language employed by great listeners. Positive body language can make all the difference in a conversation. 6. Don’t pass judgment. If you want to be a good listener, you must be open-minded. Being open-minded makes you approachable and interesting to others. No one wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed an opinion and is not willing to listen. Having an open mind is crucial in the workplace, where approachability means access to new ideas and help. To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment, you need to see the world through other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require that you believe what they believe or condone their behavior; it simply means that you quit passing judgment long enough to truly understand what they are saying. 7. Keep your mouth shut. If you’re not checking for understanding or asking a probing question, you shouldn’t be talking. Not only does thinking about what you’re going to say next take your attention away from the speaker, hijacking the conversation shows that you think you have something more important to say. This means that you shouldn’t jump in with solutions to the speaker’s problems. It’s human nature to want to help people, especially when it’s someone you care about, but what a lot of us don’t realize is that when we jump in with advice or a solution, we’re shutting the other person down. It’s essentially a more socially acceptable way of saying, “Okay, I’ve got it. You can stop now!” The effect is the same.Bringing It All Together Life is busy, and it seems to whirl by faster every day. We all try to do a million things at once, and sometimes it works out. But active, effective listening isn’t something you can do on the fly. It requires a conscious effort. by Dr.John Henning Schumann
My father is approaching his 78th birthday, blessed with health good enough to still be an avid golfer and tennis player. His regular group of tennis buddies changes from time to time. The lineup depends on how they're feeling. I remember when one of the gents renowned for his fitness and fastidious diet underwent a quadruple-bypass heart operation. The other guys were in shock. If Mr. Fit had a bum ticker, they all figured they better get to their doctors pronto. "Don't I need an operation or something to clean out my arteries?" Dad asked me. It doesn't work like that, I explained. We don't recommend [they are done, let's be honest] preventive heart surgeries, though many people make that assumption because of our culture's worship of the latest, greatest medicine and technology. Heart surgery should be considered disaster relief, I told him, not part of a regular tune-up or a solution for unhealthful habits. When my father saw his own doctor a few weeks later and got his usual clean bill of health, Dad wasn't satisfied. There must be some danger brewing somewhere inside him, he told me, despite reassurances from me and his doctor. His concern faded after a while, but then several months later one of his cronies underwent a knee replacement. Dad's first reaction: "When should I get my knee replaced?" I tried to talk him through it. "Do you have pain with every step you take?" I asked. Clearly not, I thought, since he's still playing tennis three times a week. He admitted that his pain is only intermittent. But as he has aged, he's grown concerned that his balance has become wobbly. I can't fault my dad. He's a child of the 1950s and has an unshakable belief in American ingenuity and medical progress. Newer is always better. For patients like him, more medical care equals more health. If there's one thing he and I have battled over (and as his doctor-son I'm sure I've disappointed him in this regard), it's my insistence that quite the opposite is usually true: less is more in medicine and health care. In the last decade a whole science has arisen to examine medical overuse — a big contributor to our country's world-leading health care costs. These talks with Dad got me thinking about his way of looking at things. I've even coined a name for his impulses. I call it, "medical me-tooism." It reminds me of a millennial's fear of missing out (FOMO!), but for the geriatric set. One thing's for sure, my father's not alone. In clinical practice, I see medical me-tooism frequently. Take my patient Jack. He's 89, and he only stopped playing tennis when he moved to town from Las Vegas a year or so ago to be closer to his son. Jack was awarded a Purple Heart in World War II, and he sees every day as a gift. But at a recent visit, he told me that out of a group of 13 childhood friends from his original neighborhood, only he and one other remain. "Isn't there some pill I can have," Jack asked, only half-jokingly, "to keep me in good health?" He does take a few medicines, one for blood pressure and another for heartburn. Medically speaking, I think Jack is happier to do less, but his anxiety persists about his good fortune. It's a form of survivor's guilt. Classically, survivor's guilt is reaction to war, trauma, or natural disaster: Why did I live when others perished? But it exists in the medical realm, too, especially for cancer survivors who see many of their afflicted compadres succumb to illness, suffering and death. When I approached my father for permission to write about him, he and I wound up having a heart-to-heart talk about the indignities of our aging bodies, life and its natural end. He didn't entirely buy my view that he suffers from medical me-tooism when it comes to his tennis buddies. But he agreed conceptually that medical me-tooism is really a form of survivor's guilt. Having reached the average life expectancy for an American male, my father is acutely aware of life's limits. Sadly, many of his friends have dropped from the tennis group, never to return. Some have died while others became too feeble to continue playing. Still, compared with their peers, the tennis elders seem to be enjoying life and living longer than their spectating counterparts. The observation is anecdotal, to be sure, but I'm convinced it speaks to the value of moving around and socializing. Those are two things my father and I fully agree on. By Travis Bradberry- Coauthor Emotional Intelligence 2.0 & President at TalentSmart
There is nothing wrong with making a mistake. It's what you say to yourself after you mess up that matters. Your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either magnify the negativity or help you turn that misstep into something productive. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. All self-talk is driven by important beliefs that you hold about yourself. It plays an understated but powerful role in success because it can both spur you forward to achieve your goals and hold you back. As Henry Ford said, “He who believes he can and he who believes he cannot are both correct.” TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and found that 90% of top performers are high in EQ. These successful, high EQ individuals possess an important skill—the ability to recognize and control negative self-talk so that it doesn't prevent them from reaching their full potential. These successful people earn an average of $28,000 more annually than their low EQ peers, get promoted more often, and receive higher marks on performance evaluations. The link between EQ and earnings is so direct that every point increase in EQ adds $1,300 to an annual salary. When it comes to self-talk, we've discovered six common, yet toxic, beliefs that hold people back more than any others. Be mindful of your tendencies to succumb to these beliefs, so that they don't derail your career: Toxic Belief #1: Perfection = Success Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you're always left with a nagging sense of failure, and end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish, instead of enjoying what you were able to achieve. Toxic Belief #2: My Destiny is Predetermined Far too many people succumb to the highly irrational idea that they are destined to succeed or fail. Make no mistake about it, your destiny is in your own hands, and blaming multiple successes or failures on forces beyond your control is nothing more than a cop out. Sometimes life will deal you difficult cards to play, and others times you'll be holding aces. Your willingness to give your all in playing any hand you're holding determines your ultimate success or failure in life. Toxic Belief #3: I “Always” or “Never” Do That There isn't anything in life that you always or never do. You may do something a lot or not do something enough, but framing your behavior in terms of “always” or “never” is a form of self-pity. It makes you believe that you have no control of yourself and will never change. Don't succumb to it. Toxic Belief #4: I Succeed When Others Approve of Me Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain⎯you're never as good or bad as they say you are. It's impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, but you can take people's opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what people think about you, your self-worth comes only from within. Toxic Belief #5: My Past = My Future Repeated failures can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to believe you'll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the time, these failures result from taking risks and trying to achieve something that isn't easy. Just remember that success lies in your ability to rise in the face of failure. Anything worth achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you can't allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed. Toxic Belief #6: My Emotions = Reality If you've read Emotional Intelligence 2.0, you know how to take an objective look at your feelings and separate fact from fiction. If not, you might want to read it. Otherwise, your emotions will continue to skew your sense of reality, making you vulnerable to the negative self-talk that can hold you back from achieving your full potential. By: Robert Maurer, PhD-founder of Science of Excellence and a faculty member at UCLA and the University of Washington School of Medicine.
According to the American Psychological Association, two-thirds of Americans identify work as a main source of stress in their lives, and nearly 30% report "extreme" levels of stress. The sources are many—job security, workload, expectations, changes in responsibilities or work hours, management relationships, and work-life balance—and the costs are alarming. It's been estimated that U.S. employers lose hundreds of billions of dollars each year thanks to absenteeism, lowered productivity, staff turnover, workers' compensation, medical insurance, and other stress-related expenses. So it's no wonder that stress management has been calledone of "business's most important challenges of the 21st century." But here's the thing: The reason we can't cure stress in the workplace is because stress does not exist. SPEAKING OF STRESSLet me explain. Consider just a few of the many physical symptoms of stress: shallow breathing, muscle tension, neck or back pain, trouble sleeping, appetite changes, loss of interest in usual pleasures, etc. When these symptoms occur, the body is telling us that we've exceeded its tolerance for what we want it to handle. So what is it, at root, that causes us (or any mammal) to experience these symptoms? Fear. In his bookCreativity, Inc., Pixar CEO Ed Catmull uses the words "stress" once and "anxiety" once, but the word "fear" crops up 87 times. In studying this issue over the past 20 years, I've researched the working habits of some of the most successful people. And it isn't that they don't experience stress at all—they do—but they don't seem to experience it in the same way that many of us do. In fact, what's intrigued me most is how seldom they use the word "stress," and how often they describe pressure and uncertainty in terms relating to fear. Here's Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric: When you are running an institution like this, you are alwaysscared at first. You’re afraid you’ll break it. People don’t think about leaders this way, but it’s true. Everyone who's running something goes home at night and wrestles with the same fear. Am I going to be the one who blows this place up? [my emphasis] In his book Creativity, Inc., Pixar CEO Ed Catmull uses the words "stress" once and "anxiety" once, but the word "fear" crops up 87 times. So why do these and so many other successful people prefer the word fear tostress? Successful people assume that whenever they're doing something important, they'll experience fear—and they're right. Every animal has a built-in fear response: the deer runs, the bird flies, the mouse burrows, and the lion charges. Successful leaders appear to have discovered the healthiest possible human response to fear: reaching out to others for support. That, in turn, spares them from some of the "stress" symptoms that cripple others. When a child has a nightmare, it runs to a parent's bed, immediately assuaging the fear. Studies with adults have found that this impulse stays with us. Asking others for help lowers cholesterol, increases longevity (since our fear response isn't chronically kicking into gear), and is essential for high-performing groups. Top among all the challenges organizations face is to make it safe for team members to bring their fears, concerns, and mistakes to others. SHARING FEARS, REDUCING STRESSSo it's no surprise that the most successful organizations actually cultivate opportunities for employees to do just that. In Fortune last year, editor Geoff Colvin described Google's cafeteria: "They put those tables a little too close together, so you might hit someone when you push your chair out and thus meet someone new . . . the food is just a tool for reaching a goal, and the goal is strong, numerous, rewarding relationships." The point is that relationships among employees can help disperse fear across an organization, rather than forcing individuals to carry those burdens alone. The encouragement and goodwill alone that those connections generate can improve employees' mental, emotional, and even physical health. What's more, the know-how and resources that come from associating with capable people help teams develop collaborative skills for dealing with fear-inducing episodes. Google studied its managers a few years ago and found that the best were those who did three things: they met often with employees, showed interest in people's personal lives, and asked many questions, rather than just giving commands or instructions. Not only do those behaviors help create the sorts of collaborative networks that reduce fear, they build up the skills it takes to respond to it. Fear within the workplace may be a gift: It can act as an early warning system that something's going wrong. In fact, fear within the workplace may be a gift: It can act as an early warning system that something's going wrong, alerting leaders to things that need their attention—all before those things start stressing everyone out. So let's stop just treating stress as the disease, and think harder (and ahead) about managing fear, which has been with us for much longer. By Mark Guidi-CEO Centered Business Consulting
We all start our careers with the same common career objectives—to learn as much as we can about the job, the process and ourselves. Some of us stick with those same objectives for life, which is fine, as long as there is always room to learn and grow in that particular field. At some point, we may satisfy those early career objectives and get restless. Rather than make a career change and start all over again, we can change our career objectives. Career Objective Δ #1: Technology to Soft Skills Technology refers to a set of skills that we have to learn to do the job. It could be software, like spreadsheets or CAD, or it could simply be a form or device. In order to advance, we must master more than technology. Soft skills, like communicating with different personality types, actively listening, managing people and leading a team move us from worker to manager to executive. In order to be successful, we must master the technology and then change our objective to managing people. Career Objective Δ #2: Task to Team How many times have we thought: Just put your head down and get the job done? Staying on task is hugely important throughout our careers, but at some point that focus is too narrow. If we want to move up, we have to look up. We widen our objective to include not just the task, but also the team, the organization and the entire company. This is called employee buy in and is hugely important to an company’s success. What this feels like is not just I got my job done but I will help make this project/team/department/company a success. Career Objective Δ #3: Process to People This goes right along with the previous objective. Everyday we have lists of things or tasks we have to do to stay on track to meet a goal or deadline. Too many of us get so caught up in the rote process that we lose sight of the people. Don’t just look up but look out. Collaborating with others, asking for feedback and giving it, is how we change our objective from the process to the people. This looks like I just need to finish this myself to I wonder if there is a better way to do this? Career Objective Δ #4: Personal Development to Organizational Development Just like the above two objectives, this is about focus. Our objective when we start a career is how to be better at that career—again, gaining the skills we need to succeed. That’s personal development. At some point, we must ask ourselves how we can give back. To start in the immediate vicinity, we can look around. A mentor is a leader. If we change our career objective to one that is more sustainable, for the good of the organization, then we begin to pour into and teach others around us. The kind of success this objective reaps is not just felt by the community, but it also helps make your organization more sustainable (conscious capitalism.) Career Objective Δ #5: Self-Reliance to Mentoring We’ve looked up, looked out and looked around. We can’t be successful if we don’t look for help. This career objective shift from being a subject matter expert to realizing we can’t do it all is vital to success. It’s important that we have accountability, so we don’t lost sight of ourselves along the way. A mentor or coach helps us take stock of what we’re doing and puts us back on the right path when we slip. A lot of us plateau in our careers and think we need to make a career change. But why start over again with the same set of career objectives? Often, we just need new career objectives. I hope you can reference this blog post as a checklist to make sure your career objectives are aligned with your goals. by:Dr. Pamela Reilly
Naturopathic Doctor at Good Works Wellness Research, LLC Most of us find it easy to make good choices when we’re at home and only have healthy options to choose from. Since neverleaving the house is not a reasonable option, we need to find easy ways to make positive choices when eating out. Questions about eating out are one of the most common questions I receive. I have many suggestions that can help. and have shared them below. Please note that these suggestions are not directly related to those with food allergies, but all of the suggestions can fit within pre-existing restrictions due to food allergies and other health issues. Top Ten Suggestions for Making Healthy Choices When Eating Out:
by Tom Arcaro
Although the last Republican debate before the primaries did not feature that party’s frontrunner, it did include something that may have gone unnoticed. One commercial break included a public service announcement for the YMCA, just now embarking on its first national advertising campaign with its message: “The Y. For a better us.” As a nonprofit, the Y must continuously generate operating funds and needs to get its message out ever more broadly. Though unintentionally so, this message was ironic in the context of the debate. Our local Y is a place, which in the most thorough and thoughtful manner possible, fully embodies the founding principle of the Y and I daresay those of our nation. The short version of the Y’s mission is just three lines: For youth development, for healthy living, for social responsibility. Notice there are no qualifications, no equivocation. This is by design; the Y is all about inclusiveness, embracing and building stronger communities. There are communities all over the United States where the Y is a social hub, bringing together all ages, races, religions and genders. The people who visit their local Y are, well, America, and the Y is American values at their best. The message that you get when you walk into the Y is that everyone is welcomed, regardless of age, ability, race, ethnicity, religion or social class. Much programming in fact is done specifically to make it possible that all are reached. The winter basketball Saturdays at my local Y are an amazing clustering of all these demographics; all are invited, all are made to feel welcome. My strongest memories from growing up are the countless hours I spent at our local Y in Ashtabula, Ohio. It was, in fact, my second home where I learned to swim, play basketball, and generally hang out with new and old friends and, in retrospect, get mentored by some amazing staff. I came from one of the poorest families in town but when I was at the Y I felt embraced, nurtured and accepted; not so in other parts of my life where the stigma of being on welfare was very real. I strongly suspect that my local Y today welcomes many young boys and girls who could relate to my story. Founded over 160 years ago, there are now thousands of Y’s across the United States touching the lives of tens of millions of youth and adults in all stations in life. In fact, those who use the Y are the real America. The harsh and strident words that we are now hearing from some politicians this primary season stand in stark contrast to the compassionate and intentionally inclusive messaging that we hear from the Y both locally and nationally. Words and rhetoric matter, to be sure, but what is so impressive is that the actions – day after day, decade after decade - that one witnesses at their local Y are a living example of the charge to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unlike our politicians, staff members at the Y are not pushing any dogma, political, religious or otherwise. Just the opposite. They are just living the message that our strength is our community and doing the hard work that makes for a “better us.” As the polarizing swirl of political debates makes me increasingly dizzy and nauseated, I find comfort and sanity at the Y. Searching for the ‘real’ America? Go to your local Y. Looking for a candidate to back in this year’s election? Ask which one you’re most likely to find on the Y’s treadmills or shooting hoops in its gyms. Tom Arcaro is a professor of sociology at Elon University. Email him at arcaro@elon.edu. By Makita Mikado
co-founder and the CEO of PandaDoc You may have already heard this golden rule in sales: People don't buy from people they don't trust. But for salespeople, it's easy to turn on autopilot and walk the buyer through the usual questions to hopefully close the deal. Too often, though, that approach doesn't work. Instead, you need to find out what each of your buyers care about, what frustrates them, and what you share in common. One way to understand what motivates your buyer is to apply a personality model, such as the DISC model, which identifies four key types of personalities: dominant, inspiring, supportive, and cautious. Typically, people score higher in one trait than the rest; and, after talking to someone for a few minutes, you can usually get a feel for that person's dominant trait. Here is a summary of how each personality type thinks and some approaches you can use when selling to them. 1. Dominant Signs you're working with a dominant person: She is confident and assertive in her speech and body language. She knows what she wants and makes declarative statements instead of asking questions. Who they are: People who are high in dominance are motivated by control and achievement. They focus mostly on results and the bottom line. There isn't a problem they can't solve—and they love being asked. They'll accept a question as an invitation to take control over a situation. How to sell to them: First, sell them on the idea of power and accomplishing goals. Explain how implementing your solution means they can take back control over their team's productivity, or another pain point they have yet to solve. Then, with figures and facts, show them proof your product or service works. Demonstrate real cases where your clients have seen a dramatic improvement in the bottom line. 2. Inspiring Signs you're working with an inspiring person: He is laid-back and happy to listen to your spiel. Afterward, he'll take interest in getting to know you by asking a question that relates to you personally. Who they are: These people are innovators. They'll be the first to adopt a new system. They're outgoing and connect well with others. But, one key trait to use to your advantage is that they value what's different. How to sell to them: Sell them on the distinctive aspects of your product or service. What makes it unique? Remember, they don't want to be like everyone else, and they're willing to try new processes to gain an edge on the competition and broadcast their success. Offer referral incentives for sharing your product or service with their contacts—something they're usually happy to do. Make them feel appreciated for doing so. 3. Supportive Signs you're working with a supportive person: She'll want to get the team or decision-maker involved right away, or wait to discuss with someone else on the team before going any further. Who they are: Supportive people are steady and reliable. They prefer harmony, a stable environment, and they work hard to maintain relationships. They don't like to be rushed; they need time to let thoughts marinate. Though they may be slow-going, they'll take action or make a decision after thoughtful consideration. How to sell to them: When selling to this personality type, building a strong relationship over time is key. They might not buy right away, but if you keep in touch consistently and prove you're reliable, they'll be more likely to trust you. The next step is to convince them your solution is the right one for them. Provide testimonials and case studies from businesses to which they can relate to show the impact your solution has had on others. 4. Cautious Signs you're working with a cautious person: He doesn't want any nonsense and asks you to get straight to the point. Then he'll ask several detailed questions. Who they are: For cautious people, excellence is in the details. They leave no stone unturned when researching a product or service. They focus on facts and rules because they fear being wrong. How to sell to them: When selling to this type of person, focus first on validating their thoughts, ideas, and emotions. Cautious people's intense aversion to incorrectness means they love being right; don't be afraid to applaud their correctness. Also, provide plenty of detailed information, facts, and statistics about the success of other businesses using your solution. Prove to them they can't fail. Be thorough when describing how everything works, too. Use a visual step-by-step guide or a video to keep them engaged and help break up the text of your presentation. * * * Though not everyone you work with will fit perfectly into just one of these categories, you can still successfully connect with them by understanding their dominant thinking style or where their head is at that moment. Simply look at the signs right from the beginning, and don't overthink it. Meet them where they're at, and they'll be more open to what your solution can do for them. Which personality type do you think is most challenging to sell to? Share in the comments below! |
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